Sorry about the pretentious title I'm applying for a position at Vice magazine and it seems to be the kind of self-aggrandizing crap they are into. I crashed out about midnight last night after spending most of the day in bed completely stale and hungover. I woke up at around 4am and I've been awake since. From this point I have two options; 1) I either try and sleep until about 3pm and then spend a few hours groggy and confused in an empty house with no one around until it's time to go to work again where I'll sit in an empty hotel with no one around until it's time to come home and sleep again in an empty house with no one around, there's a cycle there if you look hard enough. Or option 2) I jump in the shower now, go and have breakfast with mum before she goes to work, go into town and buy a coffee and a donut with what little money I have left until early afternoon and then sleep till it's dark then go to work. At this point in time I'm really not too sure what to do.
My Dad's pretty dissapointed that I work in a Hotel at night. He would never explicitly say, he says he's worried about me but what he really means is he's dissapointed. The way he sees it I'm not doing something that will lead anywhere and he's right, I'm dissapointed to. I got too drunk on saturday night and started rambling about various things, it was quite pathetic. A girl who I like came and met me for a drink, it was going ok, not great but then suddenly I was tripping over myself trying to get a drunkenly profound point over to my friend and only ended up sounding like a complete fool. She actually managed to look shocked and bored at the same time. Moral of the story don't hang out with girls you like, hang out with girls you can kind of ignore, find mildly attractive and have average sex with, nobody wins but nobody really looses either.
Is that the problem I'm contented with dissapointment? The average and mundane, the easy way through the day, I certainly couldn't say I'm the most motivated and driven person in the world. Sometimes I feel like an ambling little floating seed just drifting by unnotied in life, I kind of like that I guess. With success and ambition come all kinds of other irritating little things like responsiblity and accountability, probably greed and corruption to. But then again apathy is a selfish undertaking but I don't think I'm being apathetic, maybe pathetic. I don't know what to do with life, it's a big question and a horrible idea that if I don't sort my shit out in the near future I'll be condemed to mediocrity and dissapointment. My heads melting, fuck the donut I'm going to sleep.
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